Date their Sisters (or Moms): The good thing about this tactic is that you already have an in; you know their brother (or son). It would be better if it is their younger sister, but any age will surely produce the same feeling. Start off slowly by coming around the house more, offering help to clean, bring over some flowers (just to spruce up the place), and do it all with a great smile. Begin to make charming comments like you think that her punk clothing is absolutely kick ass, actually listen to her talk about her jerky ex-boyfriend’s descent into addiction, make statements about how she should ‘hang out’ with everyone sometime, and do it all with a great smile.

Come up with a story about how this girl you had a crush on totally snubbed you for another guy because you “wanted to take things slow and get to know her first.” Have the ‘I just don’t understand why girls don’t like me’ pity-inducing conversation with them, and move in for the kill once their defenses are down. Soon you will be coming over the house whether your friend is there or not, having your friend’s sister (or mom) tell them that they have been seeing you for a while but just didn’t know how to say it, spending much more time with their sibling (or mom) instead of your friend, and all the while donning a great smile.

Borrow Money: Obviously, it may seem more attractive to target a more well-to-do friend for this, but if you are really looking to piss someone off, you will choose someone who really can use extra money themselves. You need to first start relating stories of your economic hardship. Tell them about how you needed to give some of your money to your parents because they’ve been spending all of theirs on booze and you lost your ass at the roulette table placing all of your money on the number of the date of their anniversary hoping that the gods would be shining down on you for partaking in such an altruistic venture. Modify the story and the vocabulary to appeal to your friend’s sense of compassion and level of intelligence.


Once you have buttered them up, commence with the inebriation. Alcohol really works wonders in employing manipulation. Bring them over their favorite poison, or offer to take them out (with your last few dollars) to a local watering hole. Amidst the shots of tequila and glasses of scotch, relate some story of how they have ‘always been there for you’ and that ‘a guy could not have a better friend.’ If there is some story of childhood that you can relate to them to further make them feel sentimental, then do it. If there is no such story, then make one up; childhood was a long time ago, so between the many years from then until now and the shortened time between rounds, they will have no idea how to distinguish between actual events and reverie.

When they have slapped you on the back with that googly-eyed expression for the umpteenth time or you have heard numerous, slurred accounts of ‘I love you man,’ you know that you are in like Flynn. I need not explain that you are to ask for the largest amount possible they are willing to provide and that you will never pay them back unless they take you to Judge Judy or they win the lottery- in which case it would be stupid not to pay them back in order to ‘borrow’ an even larger sum in the future.


Be the Guy on the Couch: This strategy works best when you are in your late twenties to early thirties and your friends have outgrown their puerile ways, gotten a well paid job, and began living on their own. An addendum to this approach is particularly scouting for friends that may live together- by twos, threes, the more the merrier. Be somewhat charming at first: call before coming over, bring beers, food, or other goodies, cleanup after yourself, etc. Basically, do all the things a normal, polite visitor would do.

After you have bewitched them with your charm, begin to make uninvited visits, eat out of their fridge, and wear their cool, punk tees straight out of their closet or laundry. Leave the dirty dishes from the pasta extravaganza you just whipped up with their groceries in the sink, leave on all the lights and TVs in the place to be able to see when you come in with the copied key you made in the middle of a work night to play some tunes while you are hooking up with their sister, and complain about them not cleaning up the mess you made in the bathroom while shaving your body hair with their razor.

Having multiple roommates creates options. You can either decide to pick them off one by one or to switch it up and target them at random. It is probably better off to commit to the latter approach. If you picked them off one by one, the first victim may have grievances in reference to your behaviors and tip off the rest of the roommates. This would lower everyone else’s tolerance of you and you would not be able to make the most of the experience.


Relate Embarrassing Stories: No one is perfect. Being a friend to someone means that you really get to know them (the good and the bad sides). Most likely, you will have observed their latter side a good number of times, to better employ this gambit. It is good practice to keep in mind the top three to five embarrassing events performed by each friend. Obviously, as time goes on and new incidents occur, you would modify your list. I don’t need to explain what may constitute an embarrassing episode: sexual exploits with hefty women, contraction and disposal of nasty growths, warts, or other fungi, their obsession with Menudo, etc.

Now that you have your stories aligned, you have to begin to craft your sense of when is the most embarrassing time to relate their most embarrassing stories. Obviously, these occasions include but not are limited to: in front of coworkers, amidst their near success of landing a beautiful babe at the bar, when making your best man speech at their wedding, etc. Any time when it is absolutely critical that they look good, you need to exercise your ability to make them look bad.


Make Egregious Statements: Nothing can piss someone off like an unwarranted, totally taboo, off-the-wall, out-of-left-field, good old-fashioned improper statement. This approach cannot easily be procured and does take a bit of natural talent. You need to have a sixth sense of aligning what statements are completely in poor taste to make in certain situations. For instance, you would not want to comment on: how ugly the bride looks but it is okay because her groom cheats on her busted ass all the time anyway, how pissed off you are at someone at their wake because they still owed you ten bucks and it is ironic how the family went to all this effort to buy a nice casket, flowers, and suit for him to be buried in though he was such a cheap bastard himself and would never spring for such a thing for them, how a priest could preach to all of these people in Sunday church about being ‘good’ people when he himself has been molesting your little brother and his altar boy friends for the last two years, and all the while doing it with a great smile.

Most people will not share your profound sense of senseless, base humor and will not want to be around you any longer running the risk of being humiliated by association or having you turn your powers upon them.


Make Things Up: Most people have friends because they need someone that they can rely on and confide in. You can eradicate this sense of trust by completely telling lies about everything and anything. Make sure to incorporate not only lies that they may not know are untrue, but also lies that they know are indisputably hodgepodge. The irony is that the smaller the lie, the more aggravated and repulsed people become. If you lie about being out and getting a girl’s number last night when they know that you stayed in all night watching their TV, eating their groceries, telling stories about how they sold naked pictures of their mom to guys at school, wearing new shoes that you bought with their money, all the while making out with their sister (or mom) with a great smile on your face, then they will begin to question where the hell the bullshit stops and truth begins.

Well, I hope this helps. This is a rather elementary run-down of how you can be totally ostracized by your circle of friends, but maybe I will relay more of my knowledge in the future. Remember that friends are temporary, but that great smile on your face can last a lifetime.

So you want to be fucking punk rock, eh? Well, punk rockers don’t give a hoot, so by reading this article by a man in a v-neck sweater wearing argyle socks sitting in front of a computer typing with his manicured fingers should suit you nicely. Listen to him because he is so punk that he talks about himself in third person:

The following are ways to become punk. Maybe it will work or maybe it won’t, but you shouldn’t care or listen to me anyway because you should be an individual that doesn’t listen to anyone.

1. Change the way you fucking dress. Those Gap jeans and Abercrombie and Bitch.. Fitch poser-like tees have got to go. If you want to be punk than wear punk clothes. When you get them, alter your state of mind and find the biggest, meanest looking person you can find and tell them they should change the fucking way they dress. Choosing an opponent that may have a blade will conveniently slash your clothing to accentuate the punk look.

2. Change your fucking attitude. Helping the elderly on your days off and being in the big brother program is for Blink 182 fans- toughen up buttercup! Take your skateboard (if you don’t have one, get one) into the nearest city, get dropped off in the poorest section (make sure it is the middle of the night to ensure the swankiest of people are around), write some racial slurs on your body and on a sign hung over your chest and back, and begin to skate around until you are noticed. If you survive than you will return a bit more calloused than when you first went in- which is what we want.

3. Go see some fucking bands. Maybe you haven’t seen a good show since New Kids On The Block ripped it up about fifteen years ago, but it is time once again. Sid Vicious and the Ramones are fucking dead, so we are going to have to seek out some live entertainment elsewhere. Don’t go see any bands at a decent venue; go into the city at night, again (sans racial slurs), and listen for punk music. When you find an abandoned warehouse or shoddy looking house blasting indecipherable lyrics with seedy looking people lounging around the outskirts- that is the place you want to be -go in.

4. Move out of your fucking parent’s house. It is great to raid the fridge, get your clothes washed, and sit down with the folks to watch Murder She Wrote, but you need your own digs. Get a loan from the bank, get a low interest credit card, or preferably steal the money from somebody or someplace, and establish yourself. Choose an edgy part of town that has a repulsive yet mysterious appeal to it. Buy a couple of those pink fucking flamingos and re-paint them blood red. Get some Christmas lights and arrange them to spell out “Fuck You” (use the actual spelling not the ‘modified so my boss won’t get pissed because I’m cursing in the article’ spelling).

5. Assemble a fucking band. If you want to be punk rock, than you have to completely live it. Scout your neighborhood for derelicts, bums, and riffraff of any sort and ask them to join your band. Tell them that you are conducting a sociological experiment for the local university and they will be getting paid for it (being a liar is punk). Get some instruments by waiting around for some local bands to complete their show at a local venue and beat the hell out of them as they are loading their van. Don’t be a wanker and practice indoors; practice on a rooftop or local alleyway.

6. Quit your fucking job. Working for pennies at the law office or programming for some big computer company is great if you are in to the success thing, but you’re punk now- fucx that! You need to devote your full attention to being punk and the band- which reminds me, you need a name, how about Soiled Flesh, that sound pretty fucking punk to me. Spend the time away from the band engaging in obstreperous behavior and eradicating any sense of moral fiber you may have left.

7. Become a fucking addict. You need to immerse yourself in self-destructive behavior if you really want to be punk rock. Dance Dance Revolution or Tupperware addiction is suggested, but everyone has the right to choose their own poison. I personally became heavily engrossed in the underground Dungeons and Dragons scene (you think you know, but you have no idea); after I became a fifth level warlock, I knew death was right around the corner so I sobered up. You want to take it as close to the edge as possible without chaffing your ass too badly on it.

8. What the fucx are you doing? After you have experienced all of the prior steps take a good look at the mess that you’ve become and get a tattoo to remember the experience. I suggest getting one across your chest, on the neck, or on the hand so you can see it often (going on the back is for trendy girls or guys who listen to Hall and Oates). Kick the Tupperware addiction, get your old job back, move in with the parents again, disband the band, but keep the punk clothes (as a memento).

Plato would’ve said, “The experience was good in of itself.” He was a fucking smart guy, so I would listen to him. It is not so much that you live the life day-to-day, but that you have the spirit in you now. You can now go on living as an incognito punker. A true punk rocker does not need to flaunt being one, they know who they are if no one else does. This adds to the mystique of the punker, they could be anyone, even a guy in a v-neck sweater wearing argyle socks typing away at his keyboard with manicured fingers….Rock on.