So you want to be fucking punk rock, eh? Well, punk rockers don’t give a hoot, so by reading this article by a man in a v-neck sweater wearing argyle socks sitting in front of a computer typing with his manicured fingers should suit you nicely. Listen to him because he is so punk that he talks about himself in third person:

The following are ways to become punk. Maybe it will work or maybe it won’t, but you shouldn’t care or listen to me anyway because you should be an individual that doesn’t listen to anyone.

1. Change the way you fucking dress. Those Gap jeans and Abercrombie and Bitch.. Fitch poser-like tees have got to go. If you want to be punk than wear punk clothes. When you get them, alter your state of mind and find the biggest, meanest looking person you can find and tell them they should change the fucking way they dress. Choosing an opponent that may have a blade will conveniently slash your clothing to accentuate the punk look.

2. Change your fucking attitude. Helping the elderly on your days off and being in the big brother program is for Blink 182 fans- toughen up buttercup! Take your skateboard (if you don’t have one, get one) into the nearest city, get dropped off in the poorest section (make sure it is the middle of the night to ensure the swankiest of people are around), write some racial slurs on your body and on a sign hung over your chest and back, and begin to skate around until you are noticed. If you survive than you will return a bit more calloused than when you first went in- which is what we want.

3. Go see some fucking bands. Maybe you haven’t seen a good show since New Kids On The Block ripped it up about fifteen years ago, but it is time once again. Sid Vicious and the Ramones are fucking dead, so we are going to have to seek out some live entertainment elsewhere. Don’t go see any bands at a decent venue; go into the city at night, again (sans racial slurs), and listen for punk music. When you find an abandoned warehouse or shoddy looking house blasting indecipherable lyrics with seedy looking people lounging around the outskirts- that is the place you want to be -go in.

4. Move out of your fucking parent’s house. It is great to raid the fridge, get your clothes washed, and sit down with the folks to watch Murder She Wrote, but you need your own digs. Get a loan from the bank, get a low interest credit card, or preferably steal the money from somebody or someplace, and establish yourself. Choose an edgy part of town that has a repulsive yet mysterious appeal to it. Buy a couple of those pink fucking flamingos and re-paint them blood red. Get some Christmas lights and arrange them to spell out “Fuck You” (use the actual spelling not the ‘modified so my boss won’t get pissed because I’m cursing in the article’ spelling).

5. Assemble a fucking band. If you want to be punk rock, than you have to completely live it. Scout your neighborhood for derelicts, bums, and riffraff of any sort and ask them to join your band. Tell them that you are conducting a sociological experiment for the local university and they will be getting paid for it (being a liar is punk). Get some instruments by waiting around for some local bands to complete their show at a local venue and beat the hell out of them as they are loading their van. Don’t be a wanker and practice indoors; practice on a rooftop or local alleyway.

6. Quit your fucking job. Working for pennies at the law office or programming for some big computer company is great if you are in to the success thing, but you’re punk now- fucx that! You need to devote your full attention to being punk and the band- which reminds me, you need a name, how about Soiled Flesh, that sound pretty fucking punk to me. Spend the time away from the band engaging in obstreperous behavior and eradicating any sense of moral fiber you may have left.

7. Become a fucking addict. You need to immerse yourself in self-destructive behavior if you really want to be punk rock. Dance Dance Revolution or Tupperware addiction is suggested, but everyone has the right to choose their own poison. I personally became heavily engrossed in the underground Dungeons and Dragons scene (you think you know, but you have no idea); after I became a fifth level warlock, I knew death was right around the corner so I sobered up. You want to take it as close to the edge as possible without chaffing your ass too badly on it.

8. What the fucx are you doing? After you have experienced all of the prior steps take a good look at the mess that you’ve become and get a tattoo to remember the experience. I suggest getting one across your chest, on the neck, or on the hand so you can see it often (going on the back is for trendy girls or guys who listen to Hall and Oates). Kick the Tupperware addiction, get your old job back, move in with the parents again, disband the band, but keep the punk clothes (as a memento).

Plato would’ve said, “The experience was good in of itself.” He was a fucking smart guy, so I would listen to him. It is not so much that you live the life day-to-day, but that you have the spirit in you now. You can now go on living as an incognito punker. A true punk rocker does not need to flaunt being one, they know who they are if no one else does. This adds to the mystique of the punker, they could be anyone, even a guy in a v-neck sweater wearing argyle socks typing away at his keyboard with manicured fingers….Rock on.